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Courting Marriage Success

Relationship Expert Stephanie Coontz Shares Go-To Guidelines

Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at The Evergreen State College, in Olympia, Washington, shares her learned perspective in an intriguing oeuvre of books—Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage; The Way We Never Were; The Way We Really Are; and A Strange Stirring. She’s also co-chair and director of public education at the University of Miami’s research-based nonprofit Council on Contemporary Families. As a speaker, she shares good news on marriage, based on her extensive study and observations.

Is marriage becoming passé?

While marriage as an institution is less powerful than it used to be, people have higher expectations of marriage as a relationship. Precisely because most Americans no longer feel they have to marry, they are more specific about what they want from it. When a marital relationship works today, it is fairer, more intimate, more mutually beneficial and less prone to violence than ever before. Yet, individuals are less willing to stay in a relationship that doesn’t confer these benefits.

Which qualities do people most desire in a mate today?

The old model of married love held that opposites attract. Men wanted mates that were pliable and nurturing; women wanted men that were ambitious, powerful and protective. The new model is based on similarities of interests and talents. While some women are still attracted to men that are richer, taller, more powerful and slightly scary, and some men still want an admiring, yielding woman, the trend favors valuing more individualized traits. In a reversal from 40 years ago, men are much less interested in a partner’s cooking and housekeeping than in her intelligence, humor and accomplishments. Women value a mate that shares household chores more than one that is a high earner. (See more results of a Pew Research Center survey at Tinyurl.com/PewTrends.)

What guidelines foster a rewarding marriage?

Be truly interested in your partner’s ideas and activities; take pride in their achievements; use endearments or offer tactile affection without being asked; have a sense of humor about differences; and never let irritation or anger slide into contempt.

How can small, daily interactions contribute to intimacy?

We all have moments when we are irritated, angry or emotionally or intellectually unresponsive. A mate will tolerate these as long as he or she trusts you to be loving and attentive most of the time. It’s an emotional line of credit—each partner needs to keep replenishing the reserves of trust and good will, rather than drawing them down. Psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., suggests people need about five positive interactions for every negative one in an intimate relationship. It’s less the occasional over-the-top gesture and more the regular, small deposits that count—a few words of appreciation, a loving touch, an expression of sexual attraction. If we have trouble remembering to regularly express appreciation, we may do better by asking, “What would have been harder about this day if my partner wasn’t in my life?”

Why do the new realities of marriage emphasize play over work?

Successful marriages used to depend upon specialization. Men and women couldn’t substitute for one another in accomplishing tasks. A typical woman couldn’t support herself financially; a typical man didn’t know how to feed himself, do laundry or manage childrearing. Even if couples didn’t share many mutual interests, the partners often took pleasure in being indispensable. Now women can support themselves and men cook and clean. Thus, shared interests and leisure activities, rather than specialized work roles, increasingly serve as the glue of marriage. Play takes people off the work-centric treadmill and introduces novelty into the relationship. Spending leisure time with others also produces higher levels of happiness than cocooning, according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index. So make it a double-date night.

How do current and potential partners benefit from game changers—from cell phones to the Internet?

The Internet makes it easier to meet partners. Once in a partnership, technology can help daily tasks get accomplished efficiently, leaving more leisure time. It also allows us to check in with each other while apart. But e-devices are no substitute for face time. The best way to nurture a relationship is to unplug from the grid and plug into real life. I see many couples reinvigorated by each other’s company after a few hours together engaged in a fun outdoor recreational activity. For relevant articles and interviews, visit StephanieCoontz.com. S. Alison Chabonais is the national editor of Natural Awakenings magazines.
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Tick Talk

Spring officially sprung on March 21. We have turned our clocks ahead. We are looking forward to warm winds, sunny skies and the smell of fresh cut grass. The daffodils and tulips have recently bloomed and we are just starting with the yard work that comes with the warmer weather.  Sadly, another season has started ramping up.  Tick season.

•             The best form of protection is prevention. Educating oneself about tick activity and how our behaviors overlap with tick habitats is the first step.

•             According to the NJ DOH, in 2022 Hunterdon County led the state with a Lyme disease incidence rate of 426 cases per 100,000 people. The fact is ticks spend approximately 90% of their lives not on a host but aggressively searching for one, molting to their next stage or over-wintering. This is why a tick remediation program should be implemented on school grounds where NJ DOH deems high risk for tick exposure and subsequent attachment to human hosts.

•             Governor Murphy has signed a bill that mandates tick education in NJ public schools. See this for the details.  Tick education must now be incorporated into K-12 school curriculum. See link:

https://www.nj.gov/education/broadcasts/2023/sept/27/TicksandTick-BorneIllnessEducation.pdf

•             May is a great month to remind the public that tick activity is in full swing. In New Jersey, there are many tickborne diseases that affect residents, including Anaplasmosis, Babesiosis, Ehrlichiosis, Lyme disease, Powassan, and Spotted Fever Group Rickettsiosis.

•             For years, the focus has mainly been about protecting ourselves from Lyme disease. But other tick-borne diseases are on the rise in Central Jersey. An increase of incidence of Babesia and Anaplasma are sidelining people too. These two pathogens are scary because they effect our blood cells. Babesia affects the red blood cells and Anaplasma effects the white blood cells.

•             Ticks can be infected with more than one pathogen. When you contract Lyme it is possible to contract more than just that one disease. This is called a co-infection. It is super important to pay attention to your symptoms. See link.

https://twp.freehold.nj.us/480/Disease-Co-Infection

A good resource from the State:

https://www.nj.gov/health/cd/topics/tickborne.shtml

 

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