Searching for Happiness in All the Wrong Places: The Myths of Self-Esteem vs the Certainties of Self-Compassion
Self-esteem is an evaluation of one’s self-worth, a judgment about oneself. Self-esteem is inherently comparative. When we judge ourselves, we do not do so in a vacuum. We always judge against some “other.” Self-esteem is about comparing, winning, competing. When we have low self-esteem we feel flawed in comparison to someone or something else. And we are constantly comparing ourselves to others.
Take a minute now to think of a few ways in which you might compare yourself to another. Here’s a few things that we came up with in just a few minutes:
Am I better looking? Do I have more money? Am I smarter? Am I thinner? Basically, who has more of this, who’s better at that and so on.
The problem with comparisons is that they change. As soon as we achieve some measure of success in any area, we raise the bar or change the game in some other way. For instance, we may compare ourselves to others in terms of monetary success. But as we make more money and as our peers change, so do our standards for success. There’s always a nicer car, a bigger house, a better wardrobe. Suddenly, once again we are just not good enough—we aren’t living up to expectations, even if they are imagined or our own.
It seems that improving our self-esteem isn’t the answer…it’s just another problem. And the race to be on top is endless, exhausting, and dissatisfying. As the respected mindfulness expert and Harvard professor Dr. Ronald Siegel says, “Self-esteem is too fragile a state to use as a foundation for happiness.”
However, there is an answer we have found that does lead to increased well-being, and that is the practice of self-compassion. Self-compassion is simply compassion directed toward the self. It’s a kind attitude turned inward instead of outward to another. We have no trouble being kind to others who suffer, but we rarely extend the same care to ourselves. According to mindful self-compassion researchers Christopher Germer and Kristen Neff, self-compassion has three main elements: kindness, a sense of shared experience, and mindfulness. When we stumble, when we make mistakes or fail in some way, we tend to beat ourselves up. We are harsh with ourselves. We tend to shame ourselves, using critical language and thoughts. But when we practice self-compassion, we extend kindness toward ourselves, recognizing that others make mistakes, we are not alone, and when we are critical of ourselves we cause ourselves suffering.
Before dismissing self-compassion as weak or a waste of time, consider that self-compassion facilitates resiliency. It is associated with increased happiness, optimism, wisdom, motivation and emotional intelligence. Research indicates that it even helps with adhering to diets and exercise routines, success with smoking cessation, and learning from past mistakes. Self-compassionate people are more connected to others, more empathic, and less judgmental. They tend to have more positive interpersonal relationships and more equanimity. Self-compassion practices lower stress and have a positive effect on anxiety and depression.
The personal benefits are undeniable, however, the practice of mindful self-compassion can be initially challenging. It is not easy to break old habits of self-criticism and negative comparisons to others. After all, we rank ourselves and others all day, every day. Turn some mindful attention to this yourself and see how relentless our drive to compare is—and how negatively it can affect us.
Just pick up a fashion magazine, or take a walk on Park Avenue and then check in on your emotional and psychological states. What sort of self-talk is happening? What feelings are showing up? What thoughts are you having about yourself?
There’s no doubt that it feels good to be on a self-esteem peak, but, because the only constant is change, there’s always a valley ahead. In the words of Dr. Neff, “our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.” Self-compassion offers us realistic and achievable ways to experience the world, and our own self-concept, differently. Check out the research yourself. You won’t be disappointed.
Jacky Fernandez, LPC, LCADC, and Dan Massey, CADC, offer warm, compassionate and genuine counseling and mindfulness instruction for groups and individuals in a safe, compassionate, acceptance-based environment at The Counseling and Mindfulness Group, 121 Shelley Drive, Suite 2E in Hackettstown, NJ. Call 646-872-7488 or visit CounselingAndMindfulness.com for more information.
